I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
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Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Just grow your own
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.