Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
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I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice