WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
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Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Dating Tips
1.
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003