Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
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For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Holy crap this is wonderful
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same