I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
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My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive