QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked