My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
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ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.