Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
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My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I ate everything, including the H.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Jurassic park gets weird
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.