You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.