Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
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Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.