I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.