I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
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You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
[eulogy]
line?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.