Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
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Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My ideal weight is five million dollars
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
“What movie?” 🤔
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”