Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
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People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
The options really are this bad
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now