My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Watermelon Boss!
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again