If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
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I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place