Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
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ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Hot Hot Hot
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
This is my brand.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.