I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
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Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter