I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
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me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.