You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
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You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
can’t wait til they legalize outside