If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
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Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”