*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
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NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi: