I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
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I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
the three branches of government
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.