7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
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Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Autocorrect completely socks
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.