Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
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Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school