When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
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[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!