everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
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My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.