Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?