doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
You Might Also Like
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is