Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
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Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
😬
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
From Facebook just now…
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.