When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
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Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir