A GPS. But for where your story is going.
You Might Also Like
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.