I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
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I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?