my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
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I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are