I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
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ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Brilliant!
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness