Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
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Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
That’s enough internet for the day