I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
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Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.