If you want my opinion ask my wife
You Might Also Like
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Are we there yet?…
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.