guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
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When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never