They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
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my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
black phone good
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.