If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
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Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.