me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
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friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.