The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
You Might Also Like
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.