I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
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Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Breaking news:
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
screw you
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time