New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
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Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.