*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
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i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”