[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
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best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
My current situation
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.