Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
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Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes