$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
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This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Fiction has to make sense.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.