Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
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John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
And then there were 4
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Solving a traffic jam
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.